I was reading the label on the side of a package of fresh sliced pineapple today and it said, “Best if enjoyed by August 10, 2007.” Being the literal type, I immediately thought to myself, “So, I can only enjoy pineapple? What if I’m not a big fan of pineapple, but I eat it anyway? Am I ordered to enjoy it? And why that date? Does it turn into slop on August 11?”

That got me to thinking about all the little “directives” that companies lay on us as we use their products. They go through great lingual contortions to avoid saying the bare truth, which is, in the case of the pineapple, “This stuff’ll go bad if you don’t eat it soon.” (Which would be more sensible, and I’m all about being sensible, and critical thinking, and all that stuff…)

Anyway, when I read those disclaimers, I sense the fine touch of a personal injury lawsuit when I see things like that on product containers. So, then I got to thinking about what these same “safety” disclaimers would look like if applied to other things, like:

The Universe: objects in deep space are more distant than they appear.
(for all you cosmic expansion fans)

The Sun: best if enjoyed by 8 Billion SSE (Solar System Era).
(After that, it could start swelling and expanding, which spells doom for our planet.)

Earth: please use sensibly.
(It’s never too late to care for our environment. So far, it IS the only planet we have to live on.)

Nuclear Weapons: keep out of reach of children
(self-explanatory)

Supernovae: contents may explode under pressure
(you don’t want to be within a thousand light-years of these things)

Star-forming regions: warning—construction ahead
(or, drive carefully, children at play)

Gamma-ray Bursters: explosive content, handle with care
(best if enjoyed at galactic distances)

Methane atmospheres: may be harmful if swallowed
(similar to other known gas-rich regions, such as cre@tionist “museums,” intelligent-design “think” tanks, radical partisan political meetings, etc.)

The Big Bang: accept no substitutes
(so far it’s the theory that best fits the observed data)

And, of course, one of my favorite speed-limit truisms: 186,252 miles per second: light-speed, it’s the law!

UPDATE: After reading this entry, Mr. SpaceMusic thought those “sayings” were so clever I should do something with them. So, I did. You can get them on t-shirts now, through my Cafepress Store. I’ve created some unique designs using NASA space images and the sayings above. Each purchase tosses a buck or two my way to help support my website and my writing habit. Check ’em out!